So what should I take away from these near disasters? My home is a death trap? I need to be even more careful? Well, there’s that. But I think more so that these were near disasters. As much as I can complain about the cold Jerusalem streets and navigating the social stratosphere, I have it so good. That’s it. Thankful. Alive and kicking, screaming and crying and laughing and eating and thankful.

Interesting transition into cookies, but I am certainly thankful for these, too. If you have ever made a traditional peanut butter cookie you’ll know they are naturally gluten free. Grain free, actually. After a delightful trip to machne yehuda shuk last night I am stocked up with fresh nuts. I wanted to switch up the flavor profile so I made a nut butter with pecans and almonds. Everything changed. It’s a different cookie entirely. Thin, crispy, ever so buttery never mind they have none. It’s the pecans, my friend.

Almond-Pecan Butter Cookies
gluten free, grain free, dairy free

1/4 cup raw pecans
3/4 cup raw almonds
1-2 tbsp canola oil
(alternately you could use 1 cup prepared almond butter)
1 cup natural cane sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon

Grind pecans and almonds in a food processor, adding canola oil until it reaches the consistency of thick peanut butter. You may need to scrape down the sides frequently. Preheat your oven to 350 f (176 c). Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. In a large bowl, add 1 cup almond butter, egg, sugar, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Mix until combined. Using a teaspoon measure, plop dough in small rounds onto the parchment lined sheet. These will spread significantly so a teaspoon is more than enough; take care to leave enough room between each cookie. Bake 10-15 minutes until lightly browned. Allow to cool on the pan for a full 5 minutes before moving to a cooling rack to cool completely. The cookies will get more crunchy as they cool. Keep in an airtight container for a week, or freeze. They get better as the days go on.

Jerusalem is the holiest place on planet earth for Jews so naturally it seems to be the best place to live. However it is challenging in so many ways that I have found myself in a true funk. It is a transient city where many come to visit but eventually leave. True friendships seem rare. Because it is considered so holy, many groups have taken on extra stringencies and the overall practice is more strict. It is beautiful and cold and so many things at once.

My husband is highly instrumental in the un-funking process as he refuses to wallow but allows me the space to do so- for approximately ten seconds and then promptly pushes me out the door. A walk in the sunlight or some bluegrass fiddle music. A warm cup of coffee or a 2 hour nap. Sometimes I just need a little help and then I’m back on track. To be honest, I never wanted this blog to sound rehearsed. Half the time I don’t even edit. Truthfully, being a mom and wife and religious Jew who happened to be born non-Jewish is hard and every night I struggle with the decision to sleep or spend any time for myself. Right now I am literally playing fetch with my one year old just so I can type these few paragraphs. I hope to Gd she doesn’t realize I’m stalling her.

Recently I have been crowd sourcing my life’s purpose. This sounds insane which is also quite normal for me. I participated in a class this winter that was meant to help me clarify the goals I want to accomplish. A life’s purpose is meant to bring you energy, the drive to overcome challenges, and a joy unparalleled. You are supposed to imagine the 5 times in your life where you felt incredible, full of life, HAPPY. What were you doing? Now I’m not clinically depressed (maybe a little sleep deprived) but I’m having a very hard time remembering anything.

If you know me, maybe you can help. Leave me a message in the comments with a memory of me as a happy and energetic person. What was I doing? Also, what do you think your life’s purpose is?

My co-conspirator

I stood, caught literally in a patch of sun. Ella is in my arms and this song is playing in the background. The beauty of this moment is overwhelming and I feel that familiar echo in my gut, the need to WRITE THIS. Paper, pen, anything. I need to write this. I don’t know if non-writers experience this phenomena. I stopped myself and let the sun wash over us, swaying in time with my baby. Not caring who sees me through the kitchen window clad in my bathrobe singing my heart out. I’ve been writing. Can I share some of it with you? Some is not nice or easy to swallow. Some is dark and unnerving. But I’ve been inspired by fearless writers, bloggers, women and men and children even. We all have so much more courage than we know.

Recently my good friend Tziporah decided to stop by.  She lives in my neighborhood but with kids and work its difficult to catch up sometimes.  She, with her wisdom and gift for insight, inspired me to continue writing even when its hard.  And ladies and gentleman, it is hard around here.

Where have I been?  I have two kids under the age of two and was resisting childcare.  That whole ”I can take care of my OWN kids” syndrome.  I stuck it out for 9 months.  My son is now enjoying himself in a half-day nursery school and my 9 month old baby girl has never been happier to play alone without fear of being trampled or excessively kissed.  We needed a break.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my life has been in a total whirlwind since my last semester in College.  School, conversion, seminary, marriage, first baby, second baby.  I feel like I can breathe again.  Like I can sit down with a cup of coffee (alone!) and think about who I am and where I want to be.  It also helps that I started Rabbi Aryeh Nivin’s Personal Development Chabura.  I am investing in myself because a happy mommy means a happy family.  (Cheesy, yes.  True, 100%).  I cannot tell you how long it took me to believe that I am worth investing in.

I am also happy to report that as of several months ago I am pain and medication free.  On a recent trip to the States I met with my Rheumatologist who reported that I have perfect blood work.  That means I am completely in remission from Rheumatoid Arthritis.  How did this happen?  I stopped eating gluten.  I had dabbled before with the diet but I now avoid even trace contamination.  I’m not telling every person who might have arthritis or an autoimmune disease to try a gluten-free diet.  I know better.  But if you are not responding to medication and are at your wit’s end, there is absolutely no harm in trying.  I can pick up my kids, use my hands, climb the stairs, push a stroller, fasten my own buttons, cut my chicken, and I have not had this much energy since I was a teenager.  I could not say the same a year ago.

I’ve tried dozens of recipes for gluten-free bread.  When I discovered that my daughter is also sensitive to eggs and dairy, I had to get creative with recipes.  This is my favorite gluten-free bread I have tasted including those from the most popular gluten-free companies.  It contains nuts so it might not suit the needs of everyone.  But if you are looking for a vegan and gluten-free all-purpose dough  this recipe is for you.  (I’ll soon be posting a nut free bread that rivals any  fluffy dinner roll on the market)

I adapted it slightly from Ginger Lemon Girl.  She deserves the credit as I did nothing more than swap out a few starches and lower the amount of gums.  I prefer to bake gluten-free bread in small round tins (slightly larger and more shallow than a muffin tin), but this bread also slices beautifully in a traditional loaf.  I’m even trying it out as pizza dough this evening.  The sorghum and brown rice flour are easy subs for each other if you can only find one or the other. *If you can take the time to buy an inexpensive kitchen scale for weighing dry ingredients I would HIGHLY advise you do so.  Gluten free baking works exceptionally well when done by weight and it makes it even easier to convert traditional wheat recipes to gluten-free.

Gluten Free Vegan Bread

Ingredients

1 1/4 cups almond flour (144 grams)
1/2 cup brown rice flour (71 grams)
1/2 cup sorghum flour (72 grams)
1 cup potato starch (140 grams)
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons xanthan gum
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/2 cups warm water
1 tablespoon dry yeast
3 tablespoons honey, agave nectar, or maple syrup
1/4 cup neutral tasting oil

In a medium bowl combine the honey (or agave to make it 100% vegan), yeast and warm water.  Allow to sit for 5 minutes or so until it bubbles like a cauldron.  In a large bowl, combine all dry ingredients and mix well until it becomes a completely homogenous flour mixture.  Add oil to yeast mixture and stir to combine.  Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and stir well for 5-10 minutes.  Do not skip this step.  The dough (which really resembles a thick cake batter) will go from chunky to smooth as the gums start to develop.  This process mimicks gluten and is essential to a good crumb structure.  Cover and allow to rest in a warm place for an hour or two.  Preheat your oven to 350 F (176 C).  Spray shallow tart tins, muffin pans, or loaf pan with Pam or grease well with oil.  Divide dough equally.  Allow to rise for another 20-30 minutes while the oven preheats.  Bake in a hot oven for 20-30 minutes, rotating the pans half way through baking time.  Bread is done when it is a deep golden brown color.  Remove the pans from the oven and rest for 5 minutes.  Remove the rolls or loaves and transfer carefully to a wire rack and allow to cool COMPLETELY before slicing.  These keep well for 1-2 days at room temperature, but I usually freeze what I cannot eat in one day.

Wake up!

Ingrid Michaelson says it best:

What if our baby comes in after nine?
What if your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometime?
Then I’ll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

Check!

2. Realize that having two children within 15 months of each other is similar to having twins.  Mothers of twins would probably disagree but are welcome to come babysit to see for themselves.

Check!

3. Travel 6,000 miles to the coldest place on Planet Earth with said children for the new few months without husband.

Check!

4. Cry tears of sadness that I haven’t had time to write a blog post in months.  Turn that frown upside down and write said blog post.  Cry tears of happiness. 

It’s time for a comeback.

“Well,” he said.

“You are wearing a Russian Winter Coat.”

I was hurt. I was upset. How dare he point out that my delicious, comfortable pajamas that I planned on wearing on a daily basis and replacing my real clothes with was, well, ugly/over sized/and thick as a down jacket? I returned it the next day. Not because of what he said. But because it was true.

It is really easy to get stuck in a rut of PJ wearing. And only talking about your baby. And never wearing make up, or buying new clothes, or listening to some fantastic hip-hop jams. But eventually it piles up and you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself. I’m not making any vows here. But I’m still cool. That unique, interesting, poet-turned Jewess-turned mother is in there. You might have to dig through a massive Shabbos robe, some fake hair and a burp cloth to find her, but play the right song, and she’ll come out dancing.

(Thanks W.B. for posting this song today. I needed the groove.)

It’s a strange time for me, but a good one, and necessary I think. In two weeks time I’ll be moving out of our apartment into another. A nice little place off a pedestrian path, with a garden with a tree. I’ll have another month after that to settle in, set up house, and then my life will change drastically once again. It feels incredible to go through all of our possessions, shedding old clothes and knick knacks and garbage that has been weighing us down since before we were married. And our little baby isn’t such a little baby anymore. He’s chatting, cruising, getting into trouble. Soon enough he’ll be walking. Things are always changing, evolving. But I can count on that cold intake of air to bring me back to a familiar place of renewal.

There is nothing revolutionary about this pie. I use fresh pumpkin, which is actually quite simple to prepare*, and it makes a world of difference. You could use a can of pure pumpkin puree and I won’t hold it against you. A smooth dairy-free custard is baked in a gluten-free cookie crust which holds up well as the days pass; no soggy bottoms here. Spicy, sweet, delightful.

*I realize I forgot to mention how one actually prepares fresh pumpkin. I like small-ish sugar pumpkins, as the larger ones tend to have a funky taste. Save those for your front stoop. Hack it up in the pieces, scraping out the stringy insides and seeds. Place in a large microwave safe bowl and cover with plastic. Microwave in 10 minute bursts until all pieces are soft and easily pierced with a fork. Scrape out the flesh into another large bowl and puree with a hand blender, or blend in a blender. If it seems to be excessively watery, you can strain it in a strainer lined with cheesecloth. I like to freeze half-cup amounts in small plastic bags, labeled, so I can take out a few when I need an Autumn pick-me-up. Voila! Easy as pie.

Pumpkin Pie in a Cookie Crust
Gluten free, dairy free, soy free
Makes 1 9 inch deep dish pie
Adapted from Epicurious

Ingredients

2/3 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons Brown rice flour (or all-purpose flour)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree or canned pumpkin (If using the canned version, make sure it is unseasoned)
2 tablespoons honey
3 large eggs
1 cup almond milk (or any dairy free milk of your preference)
1 prepared Gluten Free Cookie Crust (Recipe below)

Preheat oven to 450 F. In a large bowl, mix all ingredients, blend until smooth. Pour into baked and cooled cookie crust. Bake for 10 minutes, then lower heat to 325 F and bake for another 40-60 minutes, depending on your oven. Cool on a wire rack completely. Cover with plastic wrap directly on the pie and refrigerate until serving (2-3 days max.). Serve cold or at room temperature.

Gluten Free Cookie Crust
Makes 1 9 inch deep dish crust
Adapted from Allrecipes

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups finely crushed gluten free tea biscuits (or any other simple butter cookie similar to a vanilla wafer)
1/4 cup white sugar
6 tablespoons margarine, melted (The comma placement means you first measure out 6 tbsp of cold margarine, then melt. If a recipes states “6 tbsp melted margarine” it means you measure AFTER melting. Not as common)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
A pinch of salt

Directions for Crust

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (176 degrees C). In a bowl combine the cookie crumbs, sugar, margarine and cinnamon; mix until well blended. Press into a 9 inch pie plate. Bake in the preheated oven for 5-7 minutes, until lightly brown. Cool.

You might recognize this recipe from my Vegan Banana Bread. Instead of messing around with other gluten-free muffin recipes with ingredients I didn’t have, I decided to experiment with a recipe that works- with wheat flour at least. With the guidance of Gluten-free Goddess and her baking tips and substitutions, I made a gluten-free flour mix, and subbed out the wheat flour in my regular recipe. I also added an egg and some baking powder for extra leavening and binding. And a little ground flax seed for good measure. Mine did not rise as high as traditional muffins, but you can experiment with how much you fill your baking cups. I can’t express how delicious these are. And not just by gluten-free standards. You can easily make this into banana bread, just grease or line a standard size loaf pan with parchment and voila. You could even add chocolate chips. My Husband would approve.

Gluten-free Whole Grain Banana Muffins
Makes 12 muffins or 1 large loaf
Gluten, Soy, and Dairy-free
*Note: the GF flour mix makes more than needed for this recipe. Store the rest in an airtight container in your fridge or freezer and use for another delectable gluten free recipe. It works well for just about any baked good.

Ingredients
1/2 cup margarine or canola oil
1/2-3/4 cup Demerara or white sugar (depending on how sweet you like your muffins)
1 egg
1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour mix*
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
3 ripe, mashed bananas

Gluten-free flour mix:
1 cup brown or whole rice flour
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
1 cup tapioca starch
1 tsp xanthan gum
1 tsp ground flax seeds

Whisk together and store in the refrigerator or freezer in a tightly lidded container.

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 F (176 C). Line a muffin tin with liners, or grease wells with oil. In a large bowl, combine margarine or canola oil and sugar, stirring well to combine. Add the egg and beat well. Add salt and pumpkin pie spice. Sift in 1 1/2 cups of the gluten-free flour mix, baking soda, and baking powder. Add mashed bananas. Mix well, beating for a minute or two. With normal muffins, over beating would make for a tough muffin. With gluten-free flours, beating adds aeration and makes for a lighter crumb. Using a 1/4 cup measure, fill the muffin cups with batter almost to the top. Bake in the preheated oven for 20-30 minutes. The muffins are done when they are brown on the top, the tops spring back when you touch them, and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let the pan cool on a wire rack for a minute or two. Remove the muffins to the wire rack to cool, or else the bottoms will steam. Eat them all.